UU Tradition of Candles of Joy and Concern

In UU Congregations, it's traditional to include "Candles of Joy and Concern" in the worship service.  At a certain point in the service, individuals are invited to stand in front of the congregation and express a joy or a concern and to light a candle.  In the six years or so that I have been attending services at Theodore Parker Unitarian Universalist Church in West Roxbury, I have never once come to the front of the congregation to light a candle of either joy or concern.  What stops me?  My strong internal voice tells me not to brag or complain.  Although I am gregarious and social, I am a very private person.  I wonder, is there a way that I can get comfortable with Candles?

Our candles tradition is not perfect. Sometimes it is hard to listen to some people; they go on too long, they don't seem genuine, their expressions are out of place.  But, I don't feel that most people are simply bragging or complaining or inappropriate when they express themselves.  Usually I am moved by congregants sharing their painful situations.  When I hear people's stories I can and do follow up at Coffee Hour to express my sympathy.  The same holds true for genuine expressions of joy.  At Coffee hour I can and do express my congratulations, my happiness for them.

I believe that Candles is important in our congregation as a community builder.  We covenant to care for one another, but if we don't have an opportunity to hear what is going on in a person's life, how can we care?  If I don't express myself, how can I expect people to express their caring for me or celebrate with me.

So maybe what this comes down to is that I feel I am missing out, that I regret not coming forward, but standing up in front of the congregation has felt too far out of my comfort zone.  I don't want to simply be anonymous.  I feel sometimes that I need the support and acknowledgement of my church community and that this is an important route to begin to receive it. So, I think that next time there are Candles as part of the service it is time for me to take the risk, keep it concise and authentic, and engage in the "verbal trust fall" that can lead to deepening my connection with my congregation.

Post Script: When I began writing this post it was my intention to propose certain fixes to Candles of Joy and Concern.  But, it's like that with writing, you set off to say one thing but in the course of writing you discover you have different issues to address and something else you have to say.

For those who might be interested in Candles of Joy and Concern and what comments there are about that tradition in part of the UU Universe, here are some links:

 http://revthom.blogspot.com/2009/01/joys-and-sorrows-of-joys-and-sorrows_10.html

http://www.uua.org/interconnections/interconnections/47579.shtml

http://www.uuworld.org/spirit/articles/288897.shtml

http://www.uuworld.org/spirit/articles/289493.shtml

Dialoguing in the Beloved Community

Guidelines for Dialoguing in the Beloved Community

To connect with Love, lest we be divided by Ego and Opinion

Because we aspire to create an inclusive community where love and mutual respect are continuously nurtured and supported, even as we discuss complex and challenging issues about which we may strongly disagree, we pledge:

To fully own what we think and feel by using I "messages" when speaking.

To embody genuine curiousity through listening deeply and actively with eyes, ears, body, heart and mind to the thoughts and feelings of others.

To respond to each other gently and without criticism or argument, recognizing that we are each expressing our own personally valid truths and that those truths might be radically different from each other.

To be mindful of sharing the air time with all discussants.

While developing consensus through this process is not our goal, we hope to inspire participants, either individually or collectively, to take right action in the world.